sellysunshine

sellysunshine @ 2009-09-21T11:05:00

2009-09-21T18:16:51Z

I met a neeew guy. It makes me happy. =] I kinda wish I could see him right now..
Its different than what I'm used to. Its...nice. We aren't going out or anything. but I wouldn't mind it.

I'm done with Westin.

It feels good to say that.

...9/18/09

2009-09-18T19:19:35Z

Difficult. That’s the only way I can really describe how our relationship really is. I don’t want it to end, yet I probably need it to. They are everything to me, yet they annoy me to no end. I don’t know what I would do without them, but I know I would probably be okay eventually. I get soo friggin frustrated when they don’t show up, and I get angry at EVERYONE!

Now my mom wants me to go back into therapy. She didn’t even say anything about it to me until we were in the presence of my social worker, and I was of course highly upset. I’ve been going to therapy since I was about 8, and it really has never done very much for me. Its no help to me anymore. I don’t feel I need it.

grr...

2009-09-04T18:49:44Z

I know I am a bit of an idiot for loving him as much as I do...but I dont know what else to do...it would kill me to lose him...

He is one of the biggest parts of my life, and I don’t know why I put up with him. I don’t know what I would do without him, and I don’t know what I am doing with him. I lose in this situation, and I know it, so why can’t I let him go? There have been ample opportunities to let him go, but I don’t want to. I don’t know where I would be without him anymore. He’s been at my house every day for the last 9 days. It confuses me, because I really love him. It still feels weird to say that, because I know it’s true now. My feeling just plain old suck with him. I want nothing more than to just be with him, and sometimes all I want is to know he’s around. It’s really weird.

The other night when I told him I hated him, I was just kidding. I don’t hate him; I’m stupidly in love with him. I don’t understand how I can love someone this much, when he doesn’t even love me back. I’d do anything for this kid, and he knows it. I feed him, let him keep some of his stuff at my house, let him bring his friends over…I get the feeling he’s just using me, and I don’t really care. I know I should, but I don’t want to risk losing him. The night he called me and told me not to call him anymore, I wanted to cry so bad, I couldn’t though. I knew deep down that he would be back the next day, and he was. I hate it when he kisses my goodbye, because it gets my feelings really unusually mixed up. When he told me he hated me too, I didn’t know what to do. When he drove away and left my crying on my driveway, somehow I knew he wouldn’t just leave me there. He has a heart. He came back and we had make up…intercourse. I don’t know what it is about him….hes always going to be there, and i know it. I dont want to lose him, and I'm not ready to lose him either.

What, The HELL!??!?!

2009-06-03T22:45:30Z

Why do people automaticly make assumptions? ALL THE TIME?
I don't want to make myself angry, really, I don't....
But right now, I really feel like I could punch someone...

Either that, or I could just start bawling my head off.

I've felt like doing both.
All Day Long.

I really don't know whats wrong with me right now, and I really wish that I did. If I did, I think I would be able to deal with it, but not knowing is worse. I think its just that, schools ending...I'm leaving, I really think that I am just feeling really, lonely?

I honestly don't know, and people asking me, all...day...
"Whats Wrong?"

Is pissing me off.

I tell them
"Nothings wrong."

And do they leave me alone?

NO!!!!!!!
Damn...I wish they would. I don't want to listen to them...So I don't. I put my headphones in all day, so it I guess makes me seem more anti-social.
I dont know...I need a drink though...

Anger Problems?

2009-06-02T22:31:19Z

Why do people feel it neccesary to lie to me? Do I really get like, super angry or something? No. I don't. I am probably one of the most easy going people

If you do piss me off, I am more likely to just keep quiet and talk to other people about it. I'd probably just ignore you. I'll ignore you until I eventually get over it.

Either that, or I'll just talk to other people about it, and word will eventually get back to you, and you'll find out that way.
I don't know why I function like that, I just do, I know its ridiculous.

I know that I am a little bit scared of confrontation, but then again, I love it. Why do I think/feel this way?

I honestly can not say, but you know what?????

I don't really think that it matters much anymore. I know it should, but me being me, I really do not care!

Damn....

2009-05-28T18:52:05Z

I always thought people used me....I know it now...

I mean, now I know it, 100%!

Corey called me last night, and me, being the stupid person I am, decide that it just HAS to be important for him to be calling me...
He just wanted to help his friend find someone to sleep with. I should have known!

I'm supposed to see them tonight or tomorrow night. I'm not sure.

I think its bad that I can not allow myself to be in a relationship with anyone...not because of my drinking, but because of everything else. I can't trust myself enough to commit myself to one person. After what had happened with Peter, I can't. I can't even let myself be with Kevin because, I can't get over Westin, and Steven, and I love so many people...I think. I think I love them all...I can not be sure anymore. I am sick of feeling, and am sick of trying to make things better for myself too, because I get this feeling that they arent going to.

I miss drinking, and I miss it bad. I want to, but I don't want to allow myself to do that again.
I didn't drink because it was fun, I drank because I loved it. I loved how my head would spin, and feel so light. You never really knew what would happen because you didn't really know who you were. You didn't lose sight of who you were completely, but you could do stupid shit and forget about it. You didn't have to think about things when I was drunk. I fell in love with being drunk, and it was the most amazing thing to me....

Summer Fever

2009-05-26T16:48:00Z

School is almost out! Thank flippin goodness. I don't know how much more I could be cooped up in a class all....day....long. Its irritating how long the days seem now. Even when I get things to do, I still feel like the day is really long. Then when you find something worthwhile, the day is just, too short!

I can't wait though. I am going to be going to Napa High School. I am DONE with New Tech. Don't get me wrong, Its a great school, just, not for me. Its too much. The projects, the size. I am sick of not being ablt to have people to hang out with. Only a few good friends here, but I have many friends at Napa High already. My best friend Nina goes there, I know a lot of people. New oppurtunities. I can just, start over. Things might be better for me grade wise, socially...just all around.

Lemons yesterday...thoughts today.

2009-05-20T16:46:04Z

Sometimes I feel so bad. I feel bad when I find myself complaining about things, when the stuff that I am complaining about, really doesnt matter. They matter, but they don't matter to anyone else except for myself.
Yesterday was very eventful. Some of my friends were throwing lemons at the guys who constantly talk shit about us. The guys, when I got back to school, were talking to me about it, and I thought that we had gotten to a mutual agreement, but I guess we didn't. They are still making constant threats. Two of them just walked past me and said "bring it on" and the other said "Gotho". Something I get everyday. I am so sick of these guys. I really am. I was talking to my other friend, and he said that he has this really bad feeling...he feels that the whole battle between the "stoners" and "jerks" is going to end reallly bad. The creeksiders are not going to take anymore shit than they really need to. It isnt going to end well. One of the guys is threatening to call the 5.0 on them, again, and this really pisses them off. They are not doing anything, so calling the police is just going to cause more tension.
Now they are talking shit about my best friend. That is just too much for me. We just want to make sure that this all stops, and if it doesnt, its going to escalade into something bad. When I say bad, I really mean bad too. These people are not going to let it go easily. Why would they when people that do not even know them are trying to start stuff?

sellysunshine @ 2009-05-15T12:13:00

2009-05-15T19:28:15Z

Well...whenever I wrote in here before, everything I wrote was pretty pointless. Now, I think I might have some things to write about. I, hang out with people who, aren't exactly.."perfect" but they are my friends. They are all very distinguishable, because its Napa. Then I have friends who really REALLY do not like the "stoners" and actually, not all of my friends do shit like that...and even if they do...its not apparent. The "good" friends are talking shit constantly and threatening to call the 5.0 on them and me. They're threatening to have them killed too, so you can only imagine how annoying this is all getting. Not to mention, Allens "deathaversary" is coming up....so theres things along with that factor too. Its like, I'm losing people, even though they are alive still. The only person that I have lost within the last month-ish, was the baby...That put a lot on my table, but all I have been doing LATELY, is school, and friends. Good friends that I can get along with, and aren't causing a lot of trouble. Ben is mad at me. Only because my drinking has went up and I have started smoking. He can be so hypocritical. Its fine for everyone else here to do that, but not me. I haven't done anything really bad lately...and its only because Allen hated it when I did those things. Ben hates it too.

Honesty.

2008-12-15T19:44:42Z

This week, has JUST started...and I am already sick of people. Its strange that no one else is at school this week, except for us, the wonderful New Techies.
I have had quite a bit of time to think about things a lot lately, and I haven't really understood why things happen the way they do. People say its all for a certain reason, but I dont see why. Why do you have to lose people to learn things? Why do you have to experience pain, to come to realizations of certain things? I sometimes wish I could ask people these questions, but I dont know if anyone will be able to awnser them.
People...all my friends, have changed a lot. They have al become these people that I really can't describe. They arent the people who I once knew and loved. Like, Westin. I liked him for who he was, but now, I get treated like...like I'm not even a human. He treats me like I am his property...
I have to sadly. get going, Class is almost over.

Today

2008-12-12T21:59:16Z

Well...today was the funeral of a dear friend. Jamie. <3

Why I chose to join today, is really unknown to me, but still...I suppose I needed somewhere to rant and talk.

We have finals next week, and I am looking to fail right now..purpusely? No.

I just, let people get inside my head and take over...like, Westin.

I let my focus be on him, and only him, and I realize now that it was stupid of me to have let him do that.