Difficult. That’s the only way I can really describe how our relationship really is. I don’t want it to end, yet I probably need it to. They are everything to me, yet they annoy me to no end. I don’t know what I would do without them, but I know I would probably be okay eventually. I get soo friggin frustrated when they don’t show up, and I get angry at EVERYONE!

Now my mom wants me to go back into therapy. She didn’t even say anything about it to me until we were in the presence of my social worker, and I was of course highly upset. I’ve been going to therapy since I was about 8, and it really has never done very much for me. Its no help to me anymore. I don’t feel I need it.

Why do people automaticly make assumptions? ALL THE TIME?
I don't want to make myself angry, really, I don't....
But right now, I really feel like I could punch someone...

Either that, or I could just start bawling my head off.

I've felt like doing both.
All Day Long.

I really don't know whats wrong with me right now, and I really wish that I did. If I did, I think I would be able to deal with it, but not knowing is worse. I think its just that, schools ending...I'm leaving, I really think that I am just feeling really, lonely?

And do they leave me alone?

NO!!!!!!!
Damn...I wish they would. I don't want to listen to them...So I don't. I put my headphones in all day, so it I guess makes me seem more anti-social.
I dont know...I need a drink though...

If you do piss me off, I am more likely to just keep quiet and talk to other people about it. I'd probably just ignore you. I'll ignore you until I eventually get over it.
 

Either that, or I'll just talk to other people about it, and word will eventually get back to you, and you'll find out that way.
I don't know why I function like that, I just do, I know its ridiculous.  

I honestly can not say, but you know what?????
 

I don't really think that it matters much anymore. I know it should, but me being me, I really do not care!

I always thought people used me....I know it now...

I mean, now I know it, 100%!

Corey called me last night, and me, being the stupid person I am, decide that it just HAS to be important for him to be calling me...
He just wanted to help his friend find someone to sleep with. I should have known!

I'm supposed to see them tonight or tomorrow night. I'm not sure.

I think its bad that I can not allow myself to be in a relationship with anyone...not because of my drinking, but because of everything else. I can't trust myself enough to commit myself to one person. After what had happened with Peter, I can't. I can't even let myself be with Kevin because, I can't get over Westin, and Steven, and I love so many people...I think. I think I love them all...I can not be sure anymore. I am sick of feeling, and am sick of trying to make things better for myself too, because I get this feeling that they arent going to.

I miss drinking, and I miss it bad. I want to, but I don't want to allow myself to do that again.
I didn't drink because it was fun, I drank because I loved it. I loved how my head would spin, and feel so light. You never really knew what would happen because you didn't really know who you were. You didn't lose sight of who you were completely, but you could do stupid shit and forget about it. You didn't have to think about things when I was drunk. I fell in love with being drunk, and it was the most amazing thing to me....